A wide open unbeautiful place

It has been 5 months since I have written anything here.  My last post was about traveling to the dark side with the Queen of Death as my guide.  Like Dante’s journey through the underworld with Virgil, the landscape became darker and darker, the light of my guide never bright to begin with… but constant.  Almost a year ago I began this blog and there was this awareness that this was going to be big, that somehow this was going to move some serious shit.  And move some serious shit it has.  It made me move, and in some major serious ways.  It inspired me to reach for myself more often than reaching for another; to reach inside and find what I needed.

This writing paved the way to go on that big bike ride.  That big bike ride paved a way for me to start seeing how I was creating much of what frustrated, depressed or “prevented” me from living my life according to my own voice and thoughts.  The last 5 months have been an effort in truly seeing and hearing myself; hearing the bullshit I would shovel in my own head, seeing the bullshit I casually stepped around and choosing to no longer be blind to it.  In more really big ways, I have seen just how deeply that bullshit has fertilized my life…  It makes me think of Apocalypto, the movie from some long time ago by Mel Gibson about the Aztec tribes and their enslaving of the other tribes of their region.  There’s a scene when someone escapes and, after getting through the corn fields, falls into the pit of corpses left behind from the sacrificial altars.  These dead, murdered and blighted bodies were right beside their primary food source and could clearly explain why the people in the Aztec city were suffering so dreadfully with disease… No better example of “don’t shit where you eat” than that image and I gotta tell ya, I’d been doing a LOT of shitting where I ate and blaming everyone and everything else for my sorry state.

The fact is, I didn’t pick up after myself, didn’t hold myself accountable to myself, and basically waited for some larger-than-me external force to show up and fix everything for me so that I could start living my life.  If there is a bigger pile of bullshit to sit next to while eating my saw dust and ketchup and calling it nutrition, I dunno where it is but I don’t want to meet it.

I haven’t written because, frankly, I’ve just been so in the thick of so much personal heart ache, truth ache, personal change, upheaval, heart break and break through that it simply hasn’t been possible to write for consumption.  My life needs to be digested – at least a little bit – before it can be shared out loud like this.

In the last 5 months I have been disillusioned over and over again, have moved, changed jobs, set goals, created plans to meet those goals and have actually begun the work of meeting those goals.  I’ve been working a LOT, rock climbing a LOT and bike commuting pretty frequently.  My days have ended with nervous exhaustion – sometimes the kind that prevents sleep for many hours and days in a row, sometimes the kind that produces total collapse and near comatose sleep.  Thankfully, lately, sleep arrives more naturally, is something I can fall into without the panic.  The last (for now anyway…) of the smoke screen has cleared, the final veil of ignorance dropped and I can see things so much more clearly.

I am in a field, a wide open field.  A flat meadow like place.  It’s winter but a winter without snow so the beauty that is there requires I look for a long time into the dead brown grasses and naked shrubs and invite it’s appearance at it’s leisure.  This place owes me nothing and it knows that well.  This place has no need of me, not really, and will continue just as well if I lay down and die – my death might even feed a few of the beings here.  But, there’s a small and quiet urging from within me that says you can find your way in this place, you can find your own balance here.  You can add to the rhythm and movement and colour and life here.  This place will not be more beautiful, more elegant, more special because of you.  You will be more beautiful, elegant and special because of this place.  The trick will be patience.  Waiting.  You may be a hunter, but you are a hunter in strange land and do not know yet what is yours to eat, and who may well wish to eat you.  And so you must observe.  Your bow, arrows, knife and cunning will not serve you.  Your silence, your watching, your waiting and your inviting, will.  Allow this place to be.  Allow yourself to learn to eat it’s unfamiliar food; there is no knowing without first being in the unknown.  You can not be wise to what you have not yet been wizened by.

So I sit, patiently, waiting and observing.  Discovering how to meet my needs in this place, what ways it may show me.  The spirits watch and greet my learning with their gifts.